Cy Hates Blogs

Blogs are terrible. They just are. It’s a fact, and the sooner you get used to it the better off your life will be. Right now you’re probably thinking, “But Cy, I read this one blog and it is really insightful/funny/deep,” or, “This one blog I read, it’s got all kinds of good baseball statistics/political commentary/celebrity gossip/poetry.” (By the way, when you read those last two statements, imagine yourself using your most whiny voice, because that’s probably how you sound to most people.) First of all, if you’re browsing blogs for celebrity gossip or poetry, your life is already over and you might as well just give up. The price of food is going up worldwide, and we could do without the extra demand that comes from your dumb mouth. Second of all, blogs are like cancer. Sure, occasionally they will do the job they’re supposed to do on a deserving subject (like Glenn Greenwald’s blog opposing telecom amnesty, or cancer killing a couple pedophiles or a white supremacist), but all too often all they produce is anger, frustration, and misery.

What makes a blog good or bad? Well, if it can be accurately described with the word “blog,” it’s probably really, really bad. Take the following:

Personal Diary Blogs: Probably the most prevalent and useless of all blog-types. Nobody cares what you had for breakfast; nobody cares what your friend Tiff said in the hot tub the other night that was soooooo LMAO; nobody cares about you period. Your step-dad should have already made that perfectly clear. Stop writing.

Celebrity Blogs: Zach Braff, honestly, I don’t care how the changing of the seasons affects you emotionally and you’re a pussy for wasting your time with such nonsense.

Sports Blogs: You are writing four posts a day about the Tampa Bay Rays. The only thing worse than you is the one person that actually reads your four paragraph analysis about how BJ Upton’s value to the team isn’t properly reflected by his VORP rating and subsequent three paragraph explanation about what the hell VORP is.

Political Blogs: Sorry to break it to you, but a blog that consists entirely of rehashed Media Matters postings and links to Huffington Post articles isn’t really a blog at all. We get it, you have the exact same views as a lot of other people, but aren’t able to articulate them as well. If Dan Froomkin wanted a parrot, I’m sure he could easily afford one.

Personal Taste Blogs: Either you’re pretending to like the Goodie Mob so you can show up all those lame Gnarls Barkley fans, or you’re telling everybody how awful their tastes in movies are because they liked “No Country for Old Men” more than “Blood Simple.” But here’s the thing: Nobody’s ever heard of “Blood Simple” or the Goodie Mob. You’re probably a hipster, and I hope you’re enjoying your tight red corduroy pants.

Alright, I’m done for now, but I’m going to come back and tackle specific monstrosities like Gawker in more detail later on. I’m also going to complain about blogs that only complain about things. I hate those. Here are some other topics that I plan on dealing with in the near future: “The Departed,” Brent Ratner, hats, Northface, consultants (sorry Candice), the American higher education system, and people that comment on espn.com articles.