John Woo hates American film goers

John Woo had toiled away in anonymity in the Hong Kong movie industry for seventeen years before his critically and internationally acclaimed, genre redefining blockbuster A Better Tomorrow was released in 1986. The film was widely praised for its exceptional performances (including that of Chow Yun-Fat) and highly stylized action sequences, and went on to inspire many successful American filmmakers, including Quentin Tarantino, Robert Rodriguez, Sam Raimi, and the Wachowski brothers.

Woo’s next few Hong Kong produced projects – A Better Tomorrow II, The Killer, Bullet in the Head, and Hard Boiled – were all similarly well received, and he began earning comparisons to Alfred Hitchcock (from Sam Raimi), Michelangelo (Quentin Tarantino), and Martin Scorsese (Jean-Claude Van Damme, and if anyone knows quality cinema, it’s Jean-Claude Van Damme).

I’m telling you all of this to properly put in perspective how egregiously and sickeningly horrible John Woo’s contributions to American cinema have been. Just as a refresher, here’s what he’s blessed us with so far:

Hard Target: Arguably his best American movie, in an entirely guilty pleasure kind of way. Wilford Brimley and Van Damme’s pantheon level mullet (take a second and bask in its glory) alone make this movie tolerable. Unfortunately, the actual filmmaking paled in comparison. Its budget was about $15 million, it made about $32.5 million in the US. Although I don’t completely agree, this is a great quote from a critic reviewing this movie: “Hysterically inept attempt at action filmmaking.”

Broken Arrow: Normally I wouldn’t complain about your average dumb action movie, but I couldn’t even enjoy this when I was fourteen. And if a fourteen year old boy can’t enjoy your movie filled with stealth bombers and nuclear explosions because it doesn’t make any sense, then you, sir, have made a terrible movie. Not only does it not make sense, but it’s also incredibly predictable. Now tell me, how the hell does that happen?! Now the movie makes even less sense! You’re into negative sense-making! Gaah! Estimated budget: $55 million. US gross: $71 million. Favorite critical review: “If movies were censored for implausibility, this would be deemed unfit for public viewing.”

Mission Impossible II: This is shiny-packaging-with-nothing-inside movie making at its finest. I’m not sure which part of this movie was more absurd: the kicking the gun that was buried in the sand that in turn comes to float perfectly at eye level then grabbing it and shooting the bad guy, or everyone wearing masks to the point where the links between actor and character become nonexistent. I’m sure someone could make the argument that this was the screenwriter’s commentary on the true nature of identity, but the utter inanity of the rest of the movie would tend to disagree. Budget: $125 million. US Gross: $215 million. Spot-on critical review: “Even more empty a luxury vehicle than its predecessor, M:I 2 pushes the envelope in terms of just how much flashy packaging an audience will buy when there's absolutely nada inside.”

Face/Off: Shut up. This movie sucked, and you know it. Granted, it’s not as bad as the previous two, but the horrific performances and almost non-existent plot are completely disguised for most people by the flashy action sequences and massive explosions. But here’s the thing: the action sequences aren’t even that good! They’re cheesy but with slow motion gravitas. C’mon, Miami Vice had better boat chases. Plus why would I want to see a terrible actor trying really, really hard to act exactly like another, different terrible actor? And then you have the second guy trying to act just like the first guy! Whose idea was this?! I’m mildly surprised that the universe didn’t rend itself asunder right then and there. Budget: $80 million. US Gross: $112. “A $100 million movie with a $3 plot.”

Windtalkers: Ugh, Windtalkers… A brilliant idea for a story, executed about as horribly as one could imagine. “Hey, we should make a movie about Navajo code talkers during World War II, nobody’s ever done this before!” “Great, get me Nic Cage and Christian Slater on the phone!” There’s really not much more I need to say besides: Production Budget: $115 million. Adverting Budget: $30 million (largest ever). US Gross: $40 million. “It's a film so terrifically inept, on so many levels of direction, performance and intent, that it demands and receives its audience's full, stunned attention.”

Paycheck: I haven’t seen this, and neither has anyone else I know. Not a good year for Ben Afflek: Paycheck, Gigli, and Daredevil. That agent better be jobless right now. Budget: $60 million. US Gross: $54 million.

Although this increasingly long rant may make it appear otherwise, I don’t think John Woo is a terrible film maker. The movies he made in the Hong Kong industry prove that, and were some of the best that the action genre as to offer. His American movies, on the other hand, have been just plain bad when viewed in a vacuum, and nearly unforgivable when viewed in the context of those earlier successes. At least the box office numbers seem to suggest that America is catching on. With that said:

“I've gotta go. I've got a government job to abuse, and a lonely wife to fuck.”
-Castor Troy