K Hates Larry the Cable Guy... What's a stronger word than hate?

So Cy, when you posted that article about Indiana, you linked to a picture of a big man with a cutoff shirt, who some may know as “Larry the Cable Guy.” Larry is a “comedian” who plays a redneck and says stupid things like “Git-R-Done” and “I don’t care who ya are, that there’s funny!” and has been a staple of the Blue Collar Comedy tour. Larry’s down home, country-cookin’ style of comedy resonates with real hard-workin’ Americans a.k.a., the NASCAR watchin’, fun-lovin’ kind who voted for Hillary in West Virginia. I’m going to let that description stop that right there, but you get the point. I, unlike Sen. Obama, am going to leave guns and religion out of this.

Larry the Cable Guy has found his comedic market in A-merr-ica. His shtick works for him. Larry’s not as good as Jeff Foxworthy or even Bill Engvall, but he’s made a name for himself and made some good money off of it. Just because he’s successful doesn’t mean I have to like him. In fact, I hate him, and hence why I’m writing this. Larry’s act is stupid, banal, and unintelligent, and every time I see him on TV it pisses me off. For example:

Christmas Carols that talk about immigrants, "retards," and farts; awesome! I’m not going to get on a high horse about being insulted and whatnot, but come on, that’s just a terrible excuse for comedy. You gotta make fun of "retards" twice??

And then, the worst part is the stupid ass catch phrase. Seriously, “Git-R-Done?” What the fuck does that even mean? Are you cooking a steak? Cleaning all those old tires from your front yard? Making sex to your sister? Wait, you’re not doing any of those, you’re telling a joke! Worse off, when your joke is not funny, you say something stupid like “Git-R-Done” to make people laugh. And then they do! Is every single person in every one of your audiences drunk?

At least Larry’s fellow Blue Collar cronies Foxworthy and Engvall have a point to their stupid catch phrases, “…You might be a redneck” and “Here’s your sign.” Those are almost as trite, but at least they have a point, like “If you get your nipple bitten off by a beaver, you might be a redneck.” “Git-r-done” has absolutely no point, except people laugh at how stupid Larry sounds when he says it. What does that translate to in English, “It is completed?”

You know what makes me hit the hater-ade even harder? Larry the Cable Guy is not even a real redneck! He spent most of his teenage years in West Palm Beach! Some of his earliest comedy is shitty standup under his real name, Dan Whitney! Don’t believe me, watch this:

Wow, Dan Whitney is not funny. Neither is Larry the Cable Guy. You fake being a redneck, make fun of defenseless minorities in front of an audience of red state NRA-ers, and sling around three syllables that make you sound even more uneducated than the people you mock. Larry, you suck, you are not funny at all, and I hate you.

K