Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Cy hates the fact that Indiana has a say in who gets to be president.

This election year, thus far, has been the most irritating and frustrating period of my adult life so far. It's been way worse than looking for a job out of college, actually working at that job, and then trying to get out of that job, combined. And if your name isn't Brit Hume or Wolf Blitzer, then you probably agree. From the blatantly shifting media bias that celebrates certain candidates, then demonizes them, then celebrates them again, to the complete disregard of actual, substantive issues in favor of petty personality-based political reporting, it's all been so infuriating that I've been having trouble pinpointing the one thing that bothers me the most. Until now: Indiana.

Most presidential primary seasons, this is never an issue for me. Usually, by this point everyone I could possibly imagine wanting as my president is gone, some pompous douche nozzle has the nomination wrapped up, and we're just waiting three months for what could pretty much pass for the worst episodes of "My Super Sweet 16" ever: The Republican and Democratic National Conventions.

This year, however, things have taken a disturbing turn. It looks like Obama is going to win North Carolina, but Indiana is a different story: Either he wins and Hillary loses a great deal of steam, while support for her remaining in the race dwindles; or (the more likely outcome) Hillary wins and this continues ad nauseum while John McCain cruises by in the background, taking potshots at both candidates while they're still focused on taking down each other. Either way, Indiana's outcome today will have a massive impact on the shape of the presidential election, and its effects will likely be felt all the way into November. That scares the shit out of me.

Aside from Indianapolis, which has it's own problems (as do all major cities), Indiana is pretty much a cesspool of ignorance, racism, cut-off flanel shirts, camouflage hats , and really bad facial hair. So, basically, it's a state full of Larry the Cable Guys. And if that doesn't horrify you, I don't know what will. What's worse is that Indiana doesn't have the excuse of being in the South. I expect that kind of crap from Georgia and Tennessee, but not a fellow northern state! They were one of the first states to respond to Abraham Lincoln's request for volunteers to fight for the Union during the Civil War, and now look at them: they're shamelessly aping the exact same people they helped defeat. If you're going to act like a wanna-be state, pick a state worth ripping off like Minnesota or Oregon. Don't pick Arkansas, you idiots.

Alas, here we are, and regardless of how I feel about the armpit of America, they pretty much hold the fate of our country in their hands. And if things turn out the way I'm hoping they do, I know that I will owe at least a small debt of gratitude to Indiana, and that thought might disturb me even more than the alternative.


Mikey K said...

is this really about indiana getting a say in the presidential election? the more appropriate title of this article is "Cy hates Indiana." Jan, Kelvin Sampson, Larry Bird... what a bunch of assholes.

Jon said...

AHAHAH The right to BARE ARMS!!!

LOLOL Did he come up with that?!!1one

matt said...

Being a prior resident of this great flat state, Indiana, this is pretty much accurate.

Mikey K said...

All I know is that I've only seen protests against gays in one state...