Monday, May 12, 2008

Candice hates most people on planes

So Monday mornings suck for me. I mean, they suck for most people, but most people don't generally have to go to the airport at an ungodly hour, get verbally abused by angry, angry security personnel ("CONSOLIDATEEEEEEEEEEEE"... which means put your purse inside your backpack before I'll check your ID, but then when I'm not looking just take it back out and go through security as per normal), and then sit in a tiny seat on a wobbly plane with a bunch of other angry Monday morning travelers.

Now, most of the the time I just sleep through the flight. I'm asleep before takeoff and I wakeup on landing. However, there are the days where you need sleep the most - these are the days where you are guaranteed to get none at all.

Let me introduce you to the categories of people on planes who make my life miserable.

1) The oh-I-didn't-know-about-liquids cave dweller.

Seriously, it's been 2 years, there are signs EVERYWHERE in the airport, and your five year old can tell you the rule. Quit bringing economy-sized bottles of Nair and antifreeze on the plane! For every second that elapses while they have to re-run your bag, explain the liquids rule to you, and tear your neat packing job apart while they investigate every bottle that is over 3oz... I am envisioning making you drink a concoction of every liquid you attempted to smuggle on board today as a punishment.

2) The behind-your-seat toucher.

The behind-your-seat toucher is that person who sits behind you who is constantly grabbing your seat when they get up or sit down, putting things in the seat back pockets, raising and lowering the tray table, and occasionally digging their knees or feet into the back of the chair. The worst kind of behind-your-seat toucher will even have the gall to take their shoes off and wedge their stanky foot up on your armrest, thinking you won't notice. Well guess what - I NOTICE EVERYTHING YOU ARE DOING BECAUSE THAT SEAT YOU'RE TOUCHING IS ALSO MY SEAT THAT I AM CURRENTLY SITTING ON, AND TRYING TO SLEEP ON. THANK YOU.

3) The gawrsh-darnit-I've-never-been-on-an-airplane-but-I-sure-love-vacations traveler.

These are the people that just LOOOVE to talk to you even though you clearly have a book in hand, or headphones in your ears, which indicates that you have something better to do than hear about your trip to Aunt Betty's house with the rest of your loopy family who makes great carrot cake because they grown their own carrots. Seriously. STOP TALKING TO ME... I DON'T CARE! I would rather listen to radio static than talk to you, which is why my eyes are closed... and yet you continue to talk...

4) The seatbelt-extension-required traveler.

Self explanatory. Armrest invasion and loss of personal space ensues.

5) The Spring Break vacationer.

OMG I'm like soooo totally excited for Cancun! I'm gonna like, lie on the beach and tan myself all day, and then go to Senor Frogs , Fat Tuesdayand a foam party at night! I can't wait to hook up with a random dude and not remember it the next day all while romping around in pits of foam with drunken strangers who release strange liquids and solids into it! Wahoo!!!! Spring Break 2k8!!!

6) The learn-your-seating-area-goddamnit hapless traveler.

I don't know how many times it needs to be said, or how freaking obvious the "large bold number on the front of your boarding pass" is, but people - seating areas are there for a reason! If airlines didn't pander to the needs of snooty business travelers they'd actually have to compete on other factors, like low prices or quality of service. Please! Since we can't have those, just let us have that one advantage of boarding first and taking up all the overhead space before you lowly non-elite members board. Either you honestly don't understand the concept of seating areas, or you're that asshole that tries to board anyway hoping that the gate agent doesn't publicly humiliate you for trying to board with the 1K fliers.

Once in a while this happens, and it annoys me. When it happened this morning with a tour group of 20 old people dressed in matchingly clashing Hawaiian print shirts, mom jean shorts and socks with sandals, I just about punched somebody. Instead, I rolled my suitcase over one of their feet as they stood scorned to the side of the boarding line. And then I wrote a blog post.


Cy said...

Old people always do a really good job of combining all of those annoying types of people into one super annoying person that also smells weird. On my flight down to Phoenix in January, I was crammed between two of them. Ugh...

Jon said...

Yeah. I was gonna say, You forgot old people. But Cy is right so I digress.

Candice said...

I thought Cy was going to dedicate a whole post on old people, so I didn't want to steal his thunder. Though it was a band of Hawaiian-shirted old people with "AAA Tours" tags on their bags that set me off on this blog post today. So I pretty much hate them too. I hope, though, that they are not combined with Spring Breakers in any way, shape or form. Please.

Shawn said...

Ironically I don't feel as though you spent nearly enough space on the people who take up the most space. These are the people who not only touch the seat that you pay for, but actually take up part of your space. you pay the same amount that they do for a seat, and they get 1 1/4 seats, and you get 3/4 of a seat, WTF! pay me 50 bucks and i will try to quit making the disainful face that i am making at your oversized arm squished up against me, otherwise, GET OUT OF MY SPACE, IT'S MINE AND I WANT IT. that's all i have to say about that

Candice said...

Well, I thought it was pretty obvious how I felt about that without really ranting... doesn't the cartoon tell the story? :)

Honestly though, it was too easy of a target.

Kathleen said...

You totally stole my post!

But you left out the Von Trapp family - you know, the one that has 12 children and two pieces of carry-on luggage per each child. I'm pretty sure the two pieces of luggage rule should only apply to passengers who are, in fact, LARGER than their luggage :)

Candice said...

Oh good call. They usually don't travel on Monday mornings, though, so I don't have to deal with those Austrians too often.

Crying babies and the mothers that don't know how to shut their kids up is another one I left out, but again, too easy of a target. It's almost unfair.