Tuesday, June 24, 2008

K Hates Poker

“And we’re back at the 2007 World Series of Poker, where people just sit around and don’t do shit for fifteen hours a day.”

Oh man, do I hate poker. I hate all forms of it. This is a game (not a sport) for which I have absolutely no patience. Poker is boring, the people that play it are all huge nerds, and I don’t understand why people find it interesting.

Texas Hold ‘Em is stupid. Internet Poker is stupid. Websites about poker are stupid. The “turn,” “flop,” “river,” and “nuts” are stupid, and if you know what those mean, you are probably a gigantic dork.

Professional poker is stupid. I remember when ESPN started playing the World Series of Poker on weekday nights in the summer back when I was in college. It was kind of interesting, for about ten minutes! You basically have a group of degenerates who have no lives but to sit around and try to make money on cards. They’ve forsaken their careers (if they ever had one), their health (you try to sit around in a smoky card room and sip on a Mountain Dew for over 12 hours a day), and most importantly, their dignity. And for what? Take this asshole for example:

This guy used to be a successful patent lawyer. He probably used to not be such a fatass, too. Worst offense by far though is the glasses. Can ANYONE TAKE A GUY SERIOUSLY WHEN HE’S WEARING SHIT LIKE THAT? It’s like watching ultimate players in skirts; anything positive they might be doing gets ignored because they look like idiots.

I can get over all of that stuff though. The thing that really gets my goat is hearing a poker player recount a certain good or bad hand, like I give a shit. Blah, blah, blah. NO ONE CARES - IT’S A GAME OF CARDS! Share things with the world if you’ve made an amazing discovery or cured some disease, or if you write a sweet blog about stuff you hate... Just please don’t bother me with a story about the order of some little pieces of paper and how it changed your shitty life. I don’t care and I never will. Your story makes you sound like a douche bag. I’ve heard too many of them, and they all go like this:

“Hey… hey! My poker game was so sweet last night! So I’m sitting at the (casino poker table / frat house / computer by myself at 3 AM), playing a sweet (no-limit / limit / penny) game of ( Texas Hold’em / Stud / looking at porno). I’m holding two (awesome cards / terrible cards ), so I (raise / call / bluff / touch myself). The (hot chick / clueless schmuck in high school / player named “BlzDeep69er” on PokerDouche.net) to my left takes my bait and plays the hand. Next card that comes up is a (awesome card / terrible card), so I (raise / call / bluff / touch myself) again.

“Dudebro, you won’t believe what happens next! I had (a pair of kings / absolutely no cards at all / a chub from watching “2 Girls 1 Cup”). So I (went all in / re-raised and then called / watched it again). Fortunately, this (hot chick / clueless schmuck in high school / guy “BlzDeep69er”) went ahead and (called / folded / asked me what I was wearing). Can you believe it?? They actually (called / folded / asked me to meet for “drinks”) in that situation!! So here comes the last card, and I need ( a queen / a miracle / some more lotion), and by golly I (get it / don’t get it / made a mess on my keyboard)!!! How cool am I?”

Son, you are not cool. Poker is not cool, nor are the people that play it. It is, at best, nerdy, and at worst, going to make you look like this:

I bet no one wants to go “all-in” with this guy, hey-oooooo!


Brian Klesh said...

The posts have been great overall but I haven't laughed nearly as hard as I did reading this one

Dave said...

I went to the WSOP in 2005. (Well, I went to Vegas, but the WSOP was going at our hotel and was responsible for my free room...) I watched Raymer over his shoulder for a little bit. He had just finished pounding down a chicken quesadilla from Taco Bell...I guess my question there is why bother? Just get the chalupa and be done with it...

The worst offense was not the glasses, not by a long shot. But, rather his exquisite combination of cargo shorts, white socks and 1990's beach sandals.

Sarah said...

I don't think Mike actually works ...

Dees said...

yes Mike works...because this column is writing at its highest form! I must say that Mike is like the Sports Guy. When he rants about his hometown teams, I glance but don't care. But, when he goes on tangents like today's blog, it's awesome. Well done mikey, and i agree.

poker sucks balls.