Monday, April 14, 2008

Cy Hates Prom Night (the movie, not the night itself, though he has some fairly strong opinions on that too)


(Perhaps a more accurate title to this post would be "Cy Hates Himself for Seeing Prom Night." Or maybe, "Cy hates having such strong feelings about a horrible movie that he feels compelled to write extensively about it." I'm going to try to restrain myself here, but I make no promises.)

I went to see Street Kings on Saturday with a friend, with the tentative plan to sneak into another movie after it was over, since I couldn't rightly justify shelling out full price for such an obviously mediocre movie. After looking over what was playing and seeing such a god-awful array of "films" (except for In Bruges, which was awesome, but I've already seen), I let my friend decide. And she chose Prom Night. Little did I know what a horrible mistake I had made...

Street Kings, despite its many, many flaws, was decently enjoyable, but what followed next was not. A brief synopsis: During Brittany Snow's freshman year of high school, her mother, father and little brother are brutally murdered by a science teacher who is obsessed with her. He is later committed to an insane asylum. Three days before Snow's senior prom, he escapes, then on the day of the prom, sneaks into the hotel where it's being held, murders about half of the hotel staff and just about all of her friends. She's taken home to her Aunt's and Uncle's in protective custody, but the teacher manages to murder all of the police protecting her, her boyfriend, and is about to kill her when the main detective (Idris Elba, Stringer Bell from The Wire, in a wasted performance) finally arrives and shoots him. Then she hugs the cop, and you know that everybody's happy because the "Everybody's Happy" music starts playing and the credits role.

What?! This is supposed to be a happy ending?! Idris Elba should have just put a bullet in her brain, because there's no fucking way she doesn't live the worst life imaginable for the next five years before she kills herself. At least in movies like Texas Chainsaw Massacre everybody that gets killed (and even the ones that survive) are shitty people to begin with, and you get the general impression that none of them are going to be missed. Even in the original Prom Night the victims were the unwitting cause of a death years earlier, and you can understand why somebody would want revenge. In this version, everyone is an idyllic human being except the bad guy, all of the most horrible things happen to random people for no reason, but there's a happy ending because the cute white girl lives. Bullshit. This would have at least been tolerable if the movie actually had some of the things that one usually finds in horror/slasher movies: gore, nudity, something that is actually scary. I think you see blood actually coming out of someone once, and the scariest part of the movie is probably when Brittany Snow runs into a lamp. I'm not kidding, that's about it. About the only thing that this movie got right was its depiction of annoying, rich, spoiled high school kids, and if I wanted to see that I'd just watch "My Super Sweet 16".

Oh my God, there's so much more to complain about... How did a nerdy high school science teacher become an unstoppable killing machine?! What's with the awkward, tacked on Prom King/Queen subplot that went absolutely nowh--Agh! Restraint!

I guess my real complaint about this movie is that I couldn't yell at it while I was watching it. I dream of a day when certain theaters showing horrible movies are designated as free heckling zones and I can get all of this (and much, much more) off my chest while I'm watching the movie, then never think of it ever again.

Sorry if I spoiled the movie for anyone, but I figured it wouldn't matter; I can't imagine anyone actually paying to see this. What's that you say? #1 at the box office? $22.7 million? Ugh... Anytime anyone criticizes me for not paying for movies, this is all I need to show them. Thanks to people like you, we're going to have to live in a world where Prom Night 2 exists. I hope you're happy.

8 comments:

crash-dev said...

I was actually considering submitting a post concerning Street Kings. Basically, I'm tired of shitty movies trying to con me by simply putting an awesome song in the trailer. Lupe Fiasco's Put You On a Game was running as the background for this movie for a solid two weeks. If they had kept running that trailer, I'd probably have gone to see it. I really think that someone who knows Lupe told him what was happening, and he made sure that they couldn't use his music to promote that garbage any more.

Mikey K said...

this really changes a favorite NUT cheer now...

Emily said...

Poor Cy...poor Prom Night. You forgot to add that promo about the absolute best place in the city to do a double feature. They don't bust you, they merely provide you safety tips regarding one's purse.

And always remember, if you're running from a psycho ex-science teacher with a knife, you should DEFINITELY not tell anyone where you're going and then you should scream while you're running away so you are easy to catch.

Cy said...

Seriously, the Loew's theater near Michigan and Ohio downtown is the easiest double feature place in the world. After the first movie, we just hung around eating candy for a while, then walked into the second one. I would have mentioned that in the post, but I thought it might throw off the overall tone I was going for.

Megan Sweas said...

I hate people who sneak into movies that are actually good (and full). The last time I went to a movie, I paid $8 (at least they gave me student price even though I said one regular after my student friend bought a ticket), I stood for the first 10 minutes and then we sat in the aisle (almost as gross as the el) while people walked in and out in front of us.

We didn't get our money back either. That reminds me...I need to call AMC.

Lamis said...

Who is really shocked that this movie is terrible? No one expects an Oscar-worthy performance from a movie about prom. You snuck into this movie fully knowing that it would be terrible. Would a naked Britney Snow really have made the movie better?

Cy said...

Yes.

Cy said...

According to Joe Bob Briggs, there are only three keys to a good horror movie: Blood, Breasts, and Beasts. Respectively, on a scale of 1-10, this movie gets a 3, 0, 0. Not a good score.