Candice hates people who wear Bluetooth headsets all the time

Don't get me wrong, I think bluetooth headsets are great for particular purposes. Sitting in traffic, for instance, is a great time to whip out that earpiece with the blue flashing light and jabber away while simultaneously cursing the people who stopped to stare at the accident ahead.

However, WHY THE HECK is there this entire breed of cyborgs (HA!) that insist on wearing the stupid things everywhere they go? While shopping, during lunch, during dinner, during meetings... while taking a dump. Honestly - who are these people that think that a) they are so important that they are going to get that many calls in a day and b) they are incapable of holding a phone to their ear? It is one of the most annoying things to see people talking to themselves, or think that they're talking to you, only to find that they're just letting their friend know that Kenny Chesney doesn't believe in marriage (true statement). Do these people wear them to bed? While they're "getting intimate" in the bedroom? Why-oh-why do your hands need to be so free exactly?!?


And, it looks totally stupid. Do you really want to be known as "Bluetooth guy" for the rest of your life? If there's one way to up your douchebag appeal, may I humbly suggest this route.

Candice hates college basketball players who wear t-shirts under their jerseys

Ok,

So this might not seem like a big deal, but it has bothered me forever. What is with college hoops players who insist on wearing t-shirts under their jerseys? It looks ridiculous, no one in the NBA does it (so it's clearly not cool), and it has got to hinder their play somehow, to have these billowy poof sleeves flapping about all the time (like a Cinderella dress or something... Kira, what would the correct term be?)

I tried to be reasonable and come up with some reasons as to why this is the case:

1) It's cold - okay, no one else on the court is cold enough to wear a t-shirt... deal with it.

2) You have skinny/flabby arms - this is like the girl's equivalent of not wearing shorts/swimsuits because you don't like your thighs, except you are playing college ball. You spend countless hours a day in the weight room or at practice. Get over it.

3) You want to be different - congrats...

4) You have hairy armpits - shave.

I feel like when I'm watching them play all I focus on is the flap flap of their sleeves against the flap flap of their arms. It's like an ultimate player wearing a cape that attaches to their wrists so that when they hold their arms out on a mark the cape becomes some sort of armpit webbing that obscures your view of down-field.

Who needs the armpit webbing/odor and sweat repository anyway? Maybe there's a rule that you can't wear the t-shirts in the NBA so players bite the bullet and stop. Or maybe as a rookie you'll get razzed so badly and forced to carry so many bags, shine so many shoes and lick so many gym floors that you'll put the t-shirt away and hit the weights. Or maybe there's a fashion police to the likes of Amare Stoudemire and Shaq who will threaten you with punches to the kidneys if you dare humiliate their team like that. Who knows, but either way, the flappy sleeves have got to go.

Candice hates meat eaters

Carnivores are just gross.

When I see people sitting around eating huge steaks dripping in bloody juices, or worse, eating pre-processed meat that was probably inhumanely slaughtered, I want to vomit on them, their food, and their offspring. How could they enjoy the taste of cooked flesh - an animal that did no harm to anyone except be born and bred to feed greedy humans. Foie gras? Poor geese are fed fat and wine in order to pump their livers so full of "flavour" that they become three times the normal size. Veal? Poor baby calves! They are so cute and little! How could you?!!? They are cute like puppies, except they're cows! You wouldn't eat a puppy, right?!

Who died and said "Hey, you humans, go ahead and exploit all the animals you see - they don't have minds and spirits of their own, anyway!" We should love all creatures great and small (cute and cuddly, and ugly ones too), not eat them because we can. Have you ever seen a meat processing plant? That knowledge alone can turn most meat eaters into vegetarians on the spot. The cruelty exhibited towards animals who have lost all sense of dignity, purpose and life at the hands of torturous murderers is more revolting than the texture of medium rare wagyu itself. Add to that the antibiotics that are added to the animal's feed to protect them from disease (which is a result of their cramped quarters and inhumane treatment to begin with), and you've got a global crisis in drug-resistant bacteria developing every day - we're all going to get SARS.

We should let all the animals be free to roam the earth as they were intended to do! Let the lions eat the cows if that is what nature intended - no matter that cows have no defence mechanisms to speak of, and that they would be butchered en masse by a bunch of hungry rabbits if it came down to it. At least it wasn't humans that did it. We could use a few fewer cows, anyway - their flatulence alone accounts for 16% of the world's greenhouse gases!

To that end, I am swearing off meat forever. The thought of a big honking bone-in rib eye, succulent pork chop or a fall-off-the-bone lamb shank sure used to make me drool, but now I just want to reversal everywhere. Maybe after having eaten it first though... cause you don't want to waste it if someone already made it... like, if it's just sitting there then my mom always taught me never to waste food, and especially not meat because it's more expensive... Anyway, yay vegans! Yay vegetarians! Yay for the raw food movement! I'm going to go eat a salad now, and it's going to be awesome.

Candice hates mandatory tipping

OK, what is up with America? Why do you underpay your waiters and then expect the customer to pick up the slack? Since when did 20% tipping become the norm, with anything under 15% being considered bad service?! Yeah, fairtip.org, I'm looking at you.

You know when you're a kid and you're told you have to do something that you don't want to do, like eat vegetables or turn off the lights. So you avoid it - you dislike like, nay, you hate it. It's not until your parents stop insisting you do it that you realize it's not so bad, and that once in a while, you actually crave a piece of broccoli or an energy-efficient light bulb.

That's how I feel about mandatory tipping. The more you tell me I have to do it, the less I want to. In most other places in the world, a tip is exactly that - a tip - a reward for good service. You actually want to recognize your sweet waiter for being able to take all 4 orders without taking notes, not mess anything up, constantly refill your drink and bring you things in a timely manner. You know, what a good waiter is supposed to do.

The catch-22 is that waiters aren't paid enough to allow for average tips below 15%, so people are forced to dole out the cash even to just plain old couldn't-care-less-but-didn't-pee-in-your-food service, while employers see no need to pay waiters more than the going rate because they expect America to tip enough to cover their wage costs.

I call shenanigans. Employers - yeah you, the one who's paying your waiters something in the range of $2-$3 an hour! Get a grip - learn how to run a business or go back to watching QVC. Other countries can figure it out - pay waiters normal wages and then have a 10% tip be a sign of good service. It's not that hard. Then again, other countries figured out the metric system too...

Ugh.

Oh, and as an addendum, this includes more than just waitstaff. Cab drivers, maids at hotels, bellhops, delivery men... aren't they getting paid to drive me to my destination, clean my room, carry my bag and deliver my furniture? If they do something extra special, then by all means, but I always get this awkward "Home Alone" feeling like when Macaulay Culkin gives the bellhop some ABC gum while he stands there waiting for a tip. Why don't other people get tips as well? I'm thinking salespeople, accountants, garbage men, professional athletes, ushers, shoot, even consultants... rant rant rant! I am so angry!

Candice hates pleated pants

Why do guys still wear pleated pants and think it's OK? Pleated pants went out of style for women about 15 years ago - but for some reason there are still many, many men who go into a store to buy pants and say to themselves "man, those pants with the pleats - those make me look good."

Pleats make your legs look like drumsticks (of the turkey in barbecue sauce variety at the Taste of Chicago) wrapped in clown pants (or you might be MC Hammer), and manage to distract the eyes from even the most stylish of shoes, shirts and accessories (no, that bling-bling hoo-ha shiny watch doesn't make you any less of a clown-butt).

Out of pure boredom, I did a google image search for pleated pants - I'm not sure why, they look the same as they always do, but I wanted a visual reference for this blog. Instead, here are some of the things that popped up:

I wish there was a better explanation for the thunder thighs and the "thigh-band holster, to be worn under pleated pants"... but my imagination escapes me while I consider the irony that I doubt the gun manufacturer makes holsters for that lady's thighs.

I read somewhere that "pleats are not about style... they're about engineering". Well, why is it that women have somehow figured a way to, oh, re-engineer their bodies to release them of their reliance on pleats? I don't want to hear any whining argument about "oh, but what about my golf game?" either. Tiger Woods wears flat front pants, and he's married to Elin Nordegren.

If you really need accordion pants in order to feel comfortable... maybe we should bring back the overall trend of the mid-90s. Or all wear muu-muus. Bring back elastic pants!!!! Ugh.